Do You REALLY Want to Get Better?

The title for this week’s newsletter may seem a little strange. But when it comes to getting better, you do need to ask yourself the question, do you really want to get better?

I mean, who doesn’t want to get better?

If you’re dealing with some difficult things in life, then of course you want things to get better. If you’re dealing with any mental health issues, then of course YOU want to get better…right?

If your answer to the above question is ‘Yes’, then you have to stop playing the role of the victim.

When I was steeped in some of the deepest, darkest moments of depression, I’m talking about being on the verge of taking my own life…I wanted to get better. I wished I would get better. I hoped and prayed to get better and that I would stop feeling the way I did because it was miserable.

But I couldn’t get past the victim mindset. I didn’t take the necessary steps to seek help. I didn’t do what I needed to do to overcome depression. 

Instead, I outsourced my power to my circumstances and let them dictate the direction of my life.

I accepted the role of the victim and bore the mentality that I had no say and could do nothing about how I felt and how I thought about myself and life. My mindset was ‘This is just who I am’

Which was a lie

I wish someone would have walked up to me, slapped me in the face and said, “You are lying, liar! This isn’t who you are. This isn’t who you have to be. Stop lying to yourself.”

But life doesn’t work that way.

Many times we are left to our own devices and have our own personal awakenings as they come to us. 

The epiphanies can come from anywhere and at any time. They might come as you read this newsletter. They might come as they did to me when I was playing with my 2-year-old son one day. 

How Playing With A Toddler Helped Cure My Depression

It was September 2021 and we had just moved into a new house. I was feeling down and I was spiraling into a depressive state. I had mostly beat depression by this point in time, but this particular day was challenging for some reason. 

I sat on the floor in my son’s bedroom in the late afternoon playing with him and his toys. 

Deep inside there was this gnawing feeling, like a black hole was opening up and swallowing me whole from the inside out.

Staying in the moment was difficult. I tried to focus on my son and playing with him, but the persistent thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone. I don’t remember what they were specifically, but they usually revolved around worrying about some hypothetical event that may or may not happen.

Most of the time, they weren’t even about real things, they were made-up problems. If they were about real things, it was more of a fantasy version of life and not the actual situation itself. It would have been nice to relinquish those thoughts…but my mind…oh, my mind could not let it go.

So, I found myself stuck in one of these thought loops as I tried to spend time with my son. 

As our time went on together, I started noticing something very interesting. I had never noticed it before, and I don’t know if I became aware of the phenomenon as a result of listening or reading something recently that clued me into this particular moment or if I was simply becoming more aware as I continued to work on myself. 

Maybe it was an act of providence, or maybe I just started fitting puzzle pieces together. 

Whatever it was, it left me questioning the validity of our reality.

Whenever my son was right in front of me, and I focused on him and the game we were playing, I started realizing that I didn’t feel depressed.

There was no heaviness. There was no feeling of misery.

However, when my son would stand and go to his toy bin to find another toy, my mind would shift focus to whatever thoughts were ailing me that day, and I would feel the heaviness of my thoughts and feelings. 

Misery would spring to action and I would find myself stuck in a timewarp of living hell. It was only for a few moments…but those moments between when my son went to grab a toy and when he came back to play felt like an eternity.

Upon his return, I would snap out of my nightmarish reverie. My mood would lighten and we would play our game.

He would stand, and turn, and immediately I was back in the black depths of my soul longing for an escape from the pain.

His return plucked me out of the depths of myself and we continued on playing with joy and laughter.

And then he would stand, and I would falter.

After some time, I began to actually pay attention to this curious play of emotions within myself. 

I began to notice the shift from hellish torture to whimsical and fantastical fun and back again. It happened multiple times. 

Each time it happened, the revelation began to sink deeper and deeper into my psyche. 

I Was the Cause of My Depression.

It was my thoughts that were causing me to feel the way I did. It wasn’t the circumstances or situations. It was how I related to them and thought about them. I was allowing myself to derail myself by thinking unproductive thoughts.

And it wasn’t just that my thoughts were changing. I could feel a physiological change taking place at each moment of my son's exit and entry. 

It was this strange chemical dump occurring in my body that I hadn’t felt before.

Later on, as I thought about what happened, I asked myself, “Could I really be the one causing my own suffering?”

The answer was YES!

I was the one causing my own suffering. For years and years, I had prayed, hoped, wished, and dreamed I would get better. But not once did I think, maybe you should think different thoughts more in line with how you want to feel.

Not once, for a very long time, did I think I had any control over how I felt.

Why?

Because I Was the Victim. 

The victim is weak. The victim doesn’t have a say in the matter. The victim is along for the ride, and whatever your captor tells you to do, you do or you pay the consequences.

But how do you rationalize the fact that you are both the victim and the captor? Once you’ve had the realization, how do you continue on playing those roles?

Yes, I hated feeling the way I did, but I also didn’t do much to change it.

I outsourced my feelings to the idea that it was some other person who was causing my problems. It was this or that situation that I had to deal with that was causing my problems. It’s all these different circumstances that don’t line up how I’d like them to that are causing my problems.

It’s not ME.

I would never hold myself back and allow myself to be treated this way. It’s all of these other things happening outside of me. That’s where the real issues lie.

WRONG!

I was so wrong…

The issues were never ‘out there’

The issues were ALWAYS inside

It was my stinking thinking. My poopoo brain. 

It was my scared, insecure ego trying to protect itself by not taking ownership of the life it created for itself.

Once I had this revelation and was able to come to my senses, my progression to overcome depression quickened drastically. 

There were no longer any excuses for me to fall back on. Trouble at work…my issue. Trouble at home…my issue. Trouble with my kids…my issue. Trouble with life in general…my issue.

We Can Blame Others All We Want, but Ultimately, We Are the Ones Who Get to Decide How We Feel.

If someone did something wrong to you and you choose not to forgive them, you aren’t hurting that person, you’re hurting yourself.

Supplement anger with unforgiveness, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, etc. 

It’s all poison if we hold onto it. But no one can force us to hold onto those feelings. We choose to do that ourselves. We are the only ones making that choice.

How many times have you not forgiven someone because they did something that hurt you, or you took it personally, and then you see them later and they seem like they're living their best life? How many times does that add fuel to the fire of your unforgiveness? 

Yet, regardless of how much you hold onto it, your unforgiveness isn’t affecting them like you may think it is. So instead of holding onto it. Let it go.

That power is in you and it’s your choice.

The same goes for any emotions you may feel in your life. Some of them may take longer to reign in than others. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done though.

The problem is, it’s not easy. 

It’s not easy to slow down or turn off these strong emotions we might be feeling. They can seem overwhelming at times. They can seem so powerful that we don’t have a say in the matter.

If that’s where you are right now, that’s okay. 

The Question Is, “Do You REALLY Want to Get Better?”

If you do, then there are things you can do to make that a reality.

But you have to be willing to do the work. You have to be willing to play the long game. You have to be willing to pay the price.

If you don’t set that resolve within yourself, you’ll find that you begin to slip back quicker and easier than you had hoped.

This is where most people get stuck. They don’t resolve to do what it takes to get better. They don’t take ownership of their lives. They don’t take responsibility for where they are now.

If you can do this though, if you can change how you think about your life and what you’re dealing with, you can begin to make changes.

Some of the changes may come fast, others may come more slowly. Regardless of how they come, you have to stay the course. You have to remind yourself regularly why you’re doing what you’re doing.

If you can do that, you’ll start to see progress. You’ll start to see that you can change. You’ll start to see that freedom is possible.

One of the things you’ll need to do is radical acceptance of where you are right now. For me, I had to own the fact that I was depressed. I had to stare it in the face and recognize it for what it was.

Along my journey, I would have to do this fairly often. I would have to take stock of where I was on the journey and see things for how they were.

Sometimes it was easy to do. Other times it was difficult because I saw that the reason I was where I was…was because of me.

That can sting a bit. It can make you feel like you’re no good and can send you into a tailspin if you don’t watch out for it.

I went into a tailspin a few times because of this. But I also didn’t have the knowledge I do now. The knowledge I’m trying to share with all of you who happen to be reading this.

Knowledge Can Only Take You So Far 

At some point, you’re going to have to get real with yourself. You’re going to have to sit with yourself and face all the ugly, horrendous, scary thoughts that cause you to feel the way you do.

You can do this alone, or you can do this with someone. If you’re going to do this with someone, I recommend finding a therapist as they will be more impartial than someone you may know. You may not feel as if you are being judged like you would with a friend.

However, if you have a friend that you can share with, you might be able to open up to them. Just don’t use them as a crutch to rely on. You have to remember they have their own hangups and issues they’re dealing with. 

You will also need to address the victim mentality that you’ve adopted that keeps you trapped where you are. 

This is something you will need to do continuously because I’ve found that even though I’ve been able to overcome depression, there are always thoughts and feelings that come up that allow me to take the victim role or the hero role.

Sometimes you give in, other times you don’t. The goal is to get to the point where the majority of your choices are through the hero in you and not the victim. 

I hope this inspires you to search through the vault of your mind and find those areas you know need to change. 

Once you find something, move forward with confidence knowing there are millions of people around the world who have overcome similar situations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you may be facing or dealing with.

Much love to you all,

Josiah

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