Why Your Mindset Is the Real Problem—And How to Fix It

I used to believe my problems were the sources of all my issues. They’re what caused the depression I lived with for 20+ years, and the anxiety I dealt with for probably just as long. All those people along the way were the source of my suffering. Each external situation out of my control that didn’t go as I had hoped was the cause of the calamitous nature of my mind. Every negative experience that fomented pain, whether mentally or physically, seemed to be completely out of my control. By all intents and purposes, I was never the issue. I was never the problem. My problem was always…out there! Somewhere floating in the ether. However, what I couldn’t grasp at the time was the truth that the problem wasn’t the problem. My mindset was the real problem.

The harsh truth I had to realize, the harsh reality I had to come to terms with, was that I was the problem. My thinking was the problem. The way I related to people was the problem. The frailty of my mindset was the problem. 

Instead of taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions, I pushed the blame onto anyone or anything else other than me because my limited capacity to accept my shortcomings was too far a reach for my fragile mind. 

Yes, maybe someone treated me in a way that was rude, but I’m the one who allowed their rudeness to pervade my mind and start me down a path of rumination on how unjust the world is because someone said something to me that may have hurt my poor, innocent, sweet feelings. 

How dare they not comprehend the depths of my insecurity and thus understand they need to take an approach with me as you would with a delicate flower about to lose all its pedals at the slightest touch.

Develop a stronger mindset? Inconceivable. Grow some tougher skin? How dare you assault me with your malicious interpretations of how I should behave within the confines of my own mind, and not only assault me but insult me to boot, with the idea that I’m the one at fault.

Good day to you, sir. I say good day!...Or my lady, depending on who might have been injuring me at the moment. 

The point of all of this, I daresay, is to extrapolate the incomprehensible nonsense I allowed to rule my thoughts and feelings as I lay back on this turbulent river we call life, and blame all the bumps and bruises on anyone and anything except for me. 

Seriously, how am I to accept the blame when it’s completely obvious that every one of the occurrences causing my imminent suffering is undisputably erupting from something outside of my control?

After all, I have no control over what he or she said that may have dampened my spirit. I cannot control any of the unfortunate experiences I may have had to endure because life happens whether we want it to or not. 

In light of this, how am I the one who should be held responsible for the way my life turned out?

Are You the Problem?

Probably. In most instances, yes. You Are the Problem. You are the problem, he is the problem, she is the problem, and I am the problem. And the problem is, we usually want to blame anything and everything else except for ourselves.

Why? 

Because accepting blame for where you are in life can be difficult. Not only can it be difficult, it can be scary, and it’s scary because that means dun, dun, dah!...life could have been different this entire time, and the only reason you are where you are is because you couldn’t grapple with the responsibility of your thoughts and actions.

Sure, you would have had to deal with all the drama or tragedies you experienced. However, had your mindset been different, and had you looked at the world through a different lens, you may have accepted those events with a certain amount of aplomb that was otherwise missing this time around.

This isn’t to say there’s something wrong with you. Most people suffer from the inability to take responsibility for many things, let alone their entire life. 

But it wasn’t my fault!

Who cares?!

The fact that you allowed yourself to believe whatever lies you’ve believed about who you are and your place in this world is your fault. And that’s okay.

As a child, how do you combat a parent who tells you you’re worthless you’re entire upbringing? How do you compete with an alcoholic parent who denigrates you unceasingly? When parents, teachers, siblings, classmates, or whoever humiliates you into shame, who do you turn to for consoling? 

What child, teenager, young adult, adult, middle-aged, or senior citizen can withstand the unwieldy pressures of life without crumbling to pieces? 

Apparently, if you go back through history and read quotes, biographies, autobiographies, memoirs, etc., you’ll find many people who were able to withstand and overcome. 

Some found the path early on, others, well, it can take a while. 

When Are You Going to Take Responsibility and Stop Blaming Others?

The key to taking control of your life is to stop blaming other people or situations for your problems. They’re not the problem. 

When I was in the “Blaming everything and everyone” mode, I suffered. I suffered immensely. Depression is no joke. There really are no words to explain the inextricable torture you might experience while dealing with depression.

I mean, people kill themselves because it’s such a miserable way to exist. I almost took my own life three times because the mental and emotional pain was so overwhelming. 

However, I wasn’t taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions either. It seemed as if it were me against the world, never understanding that it could be me with the world had I reoriented my thoughts. If I had aligned my thinking to coincide with the truth of who I am, not who I thought I was. 

My erroneous thinking, based on how I viewed myself as a person through the lens of all the perceived slights constantly barraging my mind, only served to hold me prisoner to my own imagination. As Peter Crone stated,

“People go through life as prisoners of their own mind. The only prison anyone lives in is their own perspective, their own point of view.” 

- Peter Crone

Undeniably, the issue I dealt with, wasn’t depression. It wasn’t anxiety. My issue was taking responsibility for my thoughts and my actions. It was blaming others for my existential crisis instead of owning the fact that my thinking is what led me to this state of mind in the first place.

I played the role of the victim rather than the role of the victor.

I remember having conversations with my parents that justified why I felt the way I did. Discussions with my friends were often centered on the wrongs committed against us and how unfair life was. 

Upon growing older, and through the painstaking process of dealing with me and all the nonsense that came with it, I began to find freedom. 

Change began to flow into my life once I started taking responsibility for everything. 

The change wasn’t easy, as it rarely ever is, but it was change nonetheless. 

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean your problems magically cease. No, it means you stop running from them. You start to face them head-on. You no longer cower in fear because of what somebody might say or think because you’re finally standing up for yourself, or working to become a better version of yourself. 

You’ll stop hiding in the deep recesses of your mind nervously biting your nails and pointing your fingers at every shadow that passes by.

Eventually, you come to recognize that the only reason those external factors cause you pain and suffering is because you allow them to. 

When you start owning up to the patterns of thinking and feeling you’ve developed over time is when you begin to see how all the pieces fit together, thus allowing you to start the arduous task of dismantling so you can rebuild. 

Not that the tearing down or rebuilding must be arduous but trying to tame or change human behavior can take time.

Taking Responsibility for Your Problems

This really is one of the first steps to change and finding freedom in your life. You must unequivocally resolve to understand and identify the issue and then take extreme ownership of it. 

It doesn’t matter what that person did or said, or how they may have mistreated you. You are responsible for your mind and you can either choose to live in the past, essentially continuing to give them power over you, or you can choose to move forward and take your power back. 

Sometimes, you’ll find yourself doing this multiple times a month. Often, you’ll be doing it multiple times a week, and depending on the situation, you might find yourself doing it multiple times a day or even an hour. 

This is why when Jesus was asked, “How often should I forgive someone who has wronged me, seven times?”, he said, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” signifying that you must do it as much as needed.

Remember, forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you. This is why Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

If you don’t let it go, you’re only hurting yourself. 

Holding a grudge, or staying resentful and bitter towards someone only poisons the water of your mind. You may think you’re getting back at them, but chances are, they’re moving on with life leaving you steaming in your dysfunctional melancholy just to teach them a lesson.

The more you can delve into this pain or trauma, or whatever you’re dealing with, the sooner you can find freedom from it. This means you have to face it head-on. There’s no other choice!

Freedom!

And just what is that freedom? Many people think of freedom in terms of financial freedom. You have the resources to buy whatever you want whenever you want. You can travel anywhere and stay in the nicest hotels and resorts. Your buying power is unlimited so you choose to drive the most expensive luxury cars and live in a mansion. That’s freedom!

But is it?

If that’s the case, why do we have the euphemism, “More money, more problems”?

Alex Hormozi puts it this way…

“Money only solves money problems, then you’re left with problems money can’t solve.” 

- Alex Hormozi

Now, to be clear, money isn’t bad. It’s just a form of energy. And, there’s nothing wrong with owning nice things or doing things that you enjoy that may require money.

But money doesn’t make you happy. It can help, but after a certain point, when you can pay for your bills and groceries, essentially, when it takes care of your needs for survival, you transition to another stage. 

How do you fill your life with meaning? What is the point of all of this? How do you live in ultimate freedom, as in, peace, joy, and love regardless of where you go, what you do, or what you have? 

This is the stage that most people think money will solve, only they find when they get there, that money doesn’t solve that problem. 

Once they arrive they buy something new, but that doesn’t fill the void. The more they buy, the less they seem to enjoy the things they are buying. They think they need a new relationship, so they end their current relationship in the hopes of something better. In some instances, they may turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to feel something different. 

On the other hand, others give up what seems to be the good life because it doesn’t solve the deeper issues they find themselves battling with. They move away to the mountains or start attending retreat after retreat. They learn how to meditate in their search for freedom.

All because what we really crave is peace. We desire joy and unsatiable love.

When you get down to it, this is what we all desire.

There are many, many people who have these things, so, life doesn’t seem so difficult. They are happy with what they have and who they are whether they’re a millionaire or a pauper.  

They feel accepted, and that acceptance doesn’t require someone else's approval. Somehow, somewhere they’ve learned to love themselves, and as a result, they’re accepted because they’ve accepted themselves. 

You may think you want that nice new car, or large home, or expensive watch, or any of the other things you chase after, but what you really want is to be accepted. What you really want is to be loved. Your true desire is to be at peace with yourself and the world instead of stressed and wondering if anyone even truly cares.

The truth is, most of them don’t. They’re too busy thinking about themselves to care about you and what you need. Each of them is struggling with their own issues that you know nothing about. 

What’s encouraging is you don’t need them to validate you. You may have a few close friends that you can share life with, and that’s what matters. When you learn to validate yourself and accept yourself, you begin to see that this is all that really matters.

When someone says something hurtful or rude, you can remind yourself that they’re dealing with their own problems and it most likely has nothing to do with you. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

So why get offended? Why take that on? Instead, take responsibility for your thoughts and actions, bless them, and move on with your life. Stop giving your life to others who won’t even remember you in a few minutes, let alone the next decade. 

The real question you need to ask is…

How Do You Learn to Love and Accept Yourself? 

This took me a while to figure out. I traveled a difficult road on my journey of developing self-love and acceptance. Unfortunately, I wasted a lot of time in my search for freedom because I didn’t set my resolve to just do the work.

I floundered unceasingly through indecisiveness, insecurity, frustrations, and anger, all the while being overshadowed by depression tinged with worry and anxiety about pretty much everything in my life. 

There were plenty of moments when I heard, read, or saw examples of what I’m writing about here. The problem was, I couldn’t let go of my conditioning. I was too comfortable letting the problems be the problems instead of owning up to the fact that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions, and thus, the problem was really me.

If you had told me I was the problem, I would have secretly scoffed at you and probably thought you were an idiot. And why not? You don’t know me and what I’ve been through. Right? Isn’t that the approach we take when donning victimhood and parading around as if we’re in some derelict production, conceived out of the frailty of our mind?

Wrapped in my garments of shame and reproach, there’s no way I could accept someone telling me essentially everything that’s happened to me was my fault.

There may be a few caveats to this, but mind you, they are very few. Most of my life, and in fact, most of your life, your day-to-day, is all your fault. Good and bad. 

Because it’s your thought life, your thinking and feeling cycle that determines how you experience life as you know it. Remember, it isn’t the extenuating circumstances revolving outside you that cause you grief.

It’s your diabolical inner dialogue that causes you grief. Your poor thoughts and feelings are to blame for your retched ruminations. 

So, how do you change this? 

1. Remember, the first step is radical acceptance and responsibility for all your thoughts and feelings, all the actions you’ve ever committed. 

2. The next step is to become hyper-aware of you’re thinking and feeling cycle and permitting yourself to cease with the charades. 

   a. You make a decision; and firmly decide you are no longer going to give in to your machinations to blame anyone or anything else for the state of your existence.

3. Stop believing the lies you tell yourself about how you’re not good enough and start changing how you view yourself. 

   a. Think about it this way, just because you buy yourself a nice car, and whether they know you have that car or not, someone out there is going to think you’re a prick no matter what. They may hate you, despise you, revile you for nothing else other than it makes them feel a little better to put someone down. So, why are you trying to appeal to their sensibility? Stop playing the world's game of getting stuff so you can feel good about yourself by lording it over others, and start playing the infinite game of loving yourself, ALWAYS, which will in turn lead you to love others, which will ultimately bring you more fulfillment in your life.

4. Do hard things. Find something difficult, something you don’t want to do, and do it. Start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. There are many things you can do, such as:

   a. Cold Showers

   b. Weight Lifting

   c. Running a 5k, 10k, Marathon, Iron Man, etc.

   d. Learn to meditate for an hour with legs crossed in as much stillness as possible

   e. Go to therapy (Yes, this can be hard because facing your demons isn’t easy, but it can be very beneficial. You just have to find a good therapist and be radically open. Don’t hide anything. Spill your guts and see what happens.)

   f. Martial Arts

   g. Go on a difficult hike to the top of a mountain and stare at the wonder of nature below you

These are just some of the things you can do on your path to freedom. Remember, as you set out on this journey, it’s not the destination. It’s very rarely the destination. All the good stuff is in the journey. 

When you’re tempted to give up because it’s too hard. Don’t!

You’re going to experience difficulties and hardships along the way. Although these inevitable experiences WILL occur, stay steadfast. You are developing Mental Toughness. There will come a time when you begin to realize the amazing Power of Thoughts and how they shape your reality. 

Upcoming Offerings!

If you’re interested in learning how to overcome yourself. I am creating a FREE course to teach you how to do just that. 

I have also written a companion book that will be available for purchase as well, and the two can be used hand in hand to start taking the necessary steps to find freedom in your life.

On top of this, I will also be releasing another course called the “Beginners Guide to Meditation” which will walk you through a 30-day process of learning to meditate for 30 minutes in complete stillness and silence.

Meditation has been one of the major tools I’ve used when learning to overcome myself, and I created various ways to do it that make it easy to do without getting frustrated along the way. The goal of the meditation is to reorient your thought patterns and learn how to sit in peace.

Once you’ve established a foundation of peace, you’ll be able to sense when you’re out of alignment throughout your day. When you notice this, you simply bring yourself back into alignment and move on because you now have the capacity to let go.

I know change can be difficult. It took me a long time to make the changes I needed, but I don’t believe it has to take you as long as it did me. This is why I’m writing these newsletters and creating these courses. I truly believe this information can assist you on your journey to becoming the best version of yourself possible.

Much love to you all

Josiah

Visit josiahthibodeau.com for more inspirational content and resources